I think there is a myth or a lie that can easily be created in Christian understanding. The lie is one that is rooted in our own need, a need for a savior, a need that I find myself fighting against even though He is the only thing that holds this mess together. The part I forget so easily though is He is the only one that is allowing this mess to fall apart too. The myth is that in our belief we shouldn't struggle because we have all that we need.
Well I'm here to destroy that myth today. Actually I'm here to tell you that Jesus destroyed that myth some time ago. We are free to struggle and we are free to claim Him in it.
This calendar date is the hardest for me to face every year. It never fails that I wake up faced with feelings of doubt, abandonment, anger, fear, longing, I feel unloved, a lack of purpose, I feel alone. Those feelings are not easy for me to admit. It is especially difficult to struggle through it because I simply do not want to. I simply do not want to relive the hurt every year. But evenmore than that I dont want to ask anyone in to help me out. I find it hard to even pray about it because with these emotions also comes shame for even feeling them at all. And in that emotion it feels down right scary to tell anyone what I have/am experiencing.
So this morning happened I woke up, attempted to distract myself with the usual...pinterest, blogs, facebook, instagram, my messy house. I tried to think through all I had to be thankful for, I mean the Pollyanna method has a way of working from time to time. And about that time I got a text from a friend saying, Yo, you home? Yep. And then I realized I have a poor excuse for pajamas on, no bra, haven't brushed my teeth, hair is special at best, and I thought well this is as good as it gets. I should take a second to say here that we have an open door policy in our home, that means y'all can stop by whenever you feel the spirit move. However, this does not mean we keep our home tidy and perfect all the time, in fact its rarely that, so my heart very often rests in, "It is what it is. Welcome."
I had no idea why my friend was stopping by. She showed up in my doorway with a card and some candy and said, "Love you." I was oblivious still as to why. This day is not one I share with anyone. In fact it's a day that holds so much emotion that I stuff it as deep as possible. Allowing even a small sliver of it to open would be risky. But in her card she said in more words,"I know and I love you. You are not in fact alone."
As I mentioned in the last post I have been redeemed. I am free to have a past and a future and I have no need to hide. This is really hard for me, the learning curve feels a lot like death. Perhaps the most confusing part is that in my freedom to struggle I often experience moments of sweet rejoice. Apart from Jesus those two emotions together can feel like a direct pointing to our need for some psychiatric help. But in Jesus we realize that our struggle and our longing is most always met with the promise of a hope that is much bigger than we are. And that is all the proof that we need that as Christians we are indeed free to struggle, we were created with a savior in mind, God knew we would need Jesus to set us free from our shame.
I had let a piece of my past slip out with my friend last night, in that moment I thought much as I think about our open door policy, "It is what it is. Welcome." But her reaction to what could have been seen as trivial from someone elses standpoint was what blessed me. She not only listened, but related, she did not run (which is my fear, most times) in fact she did quite the opposite, she stepped in and reminded me of who God is. She reminded me that with my salvation came a great inheritance, access to family which isn't just available but needed. We need Jesus and we often need one another to remind us of that. And with the knowledge that I am not in fact alone on even a day like today with enough hurt and lie to kill an elephant comes a knowledge of great hope not a lie of great despair. That is a gift, something to rejoice in.